While many of us are learning how to empower ourselves by letting go of the victim perspective on life, sometimes it is difficult not to see ourselves or others as unjustly treated. There appear to be real villains and victims in the world, and some things seem unforgivable. Can we forgive people for committing murder and other atrocities without being in denial?

I met a woman who demonstrated we can forgive anyone for anything and empower ourselves by doing so. Through forgiveness, she transformed a tragedy of immense proportion into a lesson on love.

Pam first joined our A Course in Miracles group when she was going through a horrendous child-custody battle with her husband, Peter. Peter was severely disturbed and had projected his guilt on Pam by trying to make her think that she was insane. Then, without warning, he made up a story that got the police to evict her from their home. Peter vowed that he would never give her one cent or return any of her things. He also vowed never to let her see her daughter, Poppy, again.

Peter was a bitter man who lived in the woods to avoid the people he hated. He taught Poppy to say, "People are pigs." He was wealthy enough to wage a prolonged court battle against Pam, trying to prove that she was an insane and incompetent mother. He hired three lawyers, two psychiatrists, and two psychologists to prove his case. After two and a one half painful years, the court reached its decision. They awarded Pam custody of Poppy along with a relatively small financial settlement. Peter was given visitation rights even though the judge and his own psychiatrists saw Peter as harmful to himself and others when he doesn't get what he wants.

Peter was furious and carefully set out to plan his revenge. He gave away his most valuable possessions, sold all of his stocks and bonds, withdrew his money from the bank and took the cash home with him. Then he picked up Poppy for the weekend, giving Pam a check for $2,000 drawn on a bank account he had just emptied. Next, he took Poppy into his house and fatally shot her, set his house on fire and then shot himself.

He must have wanted to make sure that the house and everything in it burned to the ground, because he cut the neighbor's telephone lines, preventing them from calling the fire department. He wanted nothing left for Pam. His final touch was that he did this early in the morning on Mother's Day.

The initial shock almost killed Pam with grief. Then she realized that, while she couldn't change what had happened, she could choose what she wanted to come of this tragedy. She asked herself, "Do I want to live or die?" which to her was a way of saying, "Do I want to continue to be myself and love life, or do I want to die a slow death through hatred of this man who murdered my daughter and tried to take everything from me?" Life or death; love or hate. She had no illusions about the choice she was making, for she knew that hate would block her from fully expressing her love for Poppy and for life itself. Love and hate cannot coexist. To experience one is to give up the other. When we're hating, we're not loving.

Pam wanted to continue loving Poppy and to express her love for Poppy in the activities of her life. So, instead of hanging on to her grievances and infecting herself with the same hatred that had caused both deaths, Pam chose to see it differently and forgive Peter with God's help.

While Pam knew better than anyone just how cruel Peter's actions could be, she was also aware of what went on inside of Peter's mind to cause such hatred. Peter was a hurt person. He thought that by hurting others he could somehow relieve his own pain and guilt. We all do that when we hang on to a grievance. But every time he hurt someone else, it only increased his guilt, escalating into madness. Peter couldn't face his own guilt, and so he never forgave himself. He didn't know how to forgive, so he never released his pain. When Pam asked him why he did these things, he replied, "Because I need help."

Peter suffered from such hatred that he tried to take everything away from Pam, and what he couldn't take away, he tried to destroy, even when it meant destroying what he loved the most Ñ Poppy. To hate Peter or anyone is to become infected with the same disease that led to Peter's death. Hatred is a disease, and Pam refused to let his sickness infect her. She chose to remain healthy and loving. She didn't allow Peter to decide how she is to live her life. She is free to love and therefore to live, which is what Peter, the True Self of Peter, really wanted for her, for that is what he truly wanted for himself and didn't know how to get.

Pam didn't do this alone. She has a deep and abiding love of God that she called upon to forgive Peter for her. It is the strength of God in her that makes forgiveness possible and shines as a light of inspiration for us all. She is a qualified teacher of God and of forgiveness.

Pam told me, "You can't hurt good. The devil can't penetrate God, and I want to be proof of that. I'm not going to let Peter's illness put this piece of anger in my heart where I would have to live with it."

Pam is proof that we can forgive anyone for anything, because it is natural to love and, therefore, absolutely necessary to forgive. Forgiveness is not a luxury reserved for saints. Forgiveness is a necessity, if we are to love at all. For when we are holding a grievance against anyone, we are not free to be ourselves, loving and enjoying life. If Pam can forgive Peter, is there anyone or anything you can't forgive?

Pam wants people to know that it is okay to be angry. Forgiveness is a process that is not done alone. It starts with recognizing your resentment or anger. That's how you know there is something to forgive. Accept it, express it, and then ask God to help you release it. Let God forgive for you. Don't try to do it alone. But above all else, don't make yourself wrong for being angry and don't fear anger or your fear will make you sick. Peter's fear of anger stopped him from seeing the real problem, his own emotional state. If Peter had been able to recognize and heal his anger, this tragedy would never have happened.

If Peter had known how to make his life turn out loving and happy, he would have done it. He simply didn't know how. This is true of anyone who ever hurt you. Jesus said, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." He didn't ask God to forgive them for doing something wrong, because he didn't see them as sinners. He saw them as innocent. He knew they wouldn't be doing what they were doing if they really understood what was happening. This is true for all of us. Within our ignorance is contained our innocence.

Don't think Pam hasn't grieved for Poppy, because she has. She feels the loss of her daughter's touch very deeply, but she knows the most she can do for Poppy is to love her, and she struggles with how to love her and make contact with her in a meaningful way, without seeing her body or being able to touch her. She is having to learn a new way of loving.

There is one thing I am certain of, and I know Pam is to, and that is that Poppy is just fine. Like all of us, she came into this life to learn and teach love, for that is what she is. She did a fine job of it, for in less than four short years, she won the hearts of many people, while loving passionately in the middle of a war zone. What an accomplishment!

Pam told me that Poppy was fascinated with heaven and wanted to meet her grandmother there. Two weeks before Poppy left, she was talking about heaven and said to Pam, "God wants me to go first." Poppy was obviously prepared to leave and wanted to prepare her mother. She said it twice, perhaps to make sure that her mother understood that she had made the choice.

When I think of Poppy, I will forever think of the power of forgiveness and miracles, for I saw a tragedy of great proportion turned into a lesson on love. Many lives in Pam's community were transformed, because she showed people a new way of living; a way of forgiving. We saw for ourselves that there is no order of difficulty in miracles and nothing that cannot be forgiven.

"Forgiveness is the key to happiness. Here is the answer to your search for peace. Here is the key to meaning in a world that seems to make no sense. Here is the way to safety in apparent dangers that appear to threaten you at every turn, and bring uncertainty to all your hopes of every finding quietness and peace." (A Course in Miracles, Workbook, Lesson 121)

© 1984-2003 Kalie Marino, 215-672-1599